Honesty, intensity, and the cost of conforming to expectations
A reflection on loss, authenticity, and living without filters. How the death of a close friend reshaped my perspective on honesty, intensity, and the cost of conforming to social expectations. A reminder to speak freely, live fully, and resist becoming average.
One of my good friends died recently, and it messed me up.
Chris was the most intense person I have ever met, by far. He never did anything without giving it 120% effort - good or bad. He was a truly world-class saxophone player because he practiced intensely. He had a huge effect on his circle of friends because all of his relationships were intense. Positive or negative - they were intense. He loved you or he loathed you.
That's what people loved about him. He was completely authentic, he'd always say exactly what he was thinking with no fear of consequence. It is so refreshing to be around that energy in a world full of fakeness. I used to gig with Chris a lot and I can't count the amount of times that I was biting my nails on stage, anxious that he'd do something that would get us fired. If anyone said something to try containing his intenseness, his default reaction was to be even more intense. He'd fealessly embrace conflict as a tool to resolve issues and relieve tension.
At that time, I thought Chris was too intense, a professional liability. Looking back now, I can see that he had it right the whole time. He never lost sight of the bigger picture. He didn't care about that particular gig, he cared about his life experience on the whole. He cared about enjoying his time on earth. That broader perspective made him act differently to "normal" folks - sometimes to their confusion and frustration.
I was standing at his funeral service, tears everywhere, and I realised that I need to live more like Chris. I need to say how I feel, when I feel it. Working in a corporate world, my true instincts siphon through 10 different filters before they exit my mouth. The politically correct filter, the professionalism filter, the polite filter, the avoiding-conflict filter... Each filter that I add is additional processing power for my brain - it's exhausting. We naturally fight against these filters but they persistently eat away at your our identities, like a waterfall wearing away granite over a century. When we let these filters win, we become a shell of who we're meant to be. The words that exit our mouths and the actions we take end up generic and meaningless. Succumbing to these filters will push us ever closer to the median in every possible sense. Opinions, hobbies, job, relationships, health, wisdom... average.
I am trying to live an abundant, fulfilling life where I positively affect society. I am trying to give my family an awesome life and raise my 3 kids to be great adults. Chris made me realise that achieving this is much more difficult if my actions and words are dimmed by filters.
The world needs us to be who we are.
Miss you Chris.